


The Confession

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-24
Updated: 2014-02-24
Packaged: 2018-01-13 14:01:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1229098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While being held captive during an away mission, Kirk confesses his true feelings for Spock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Confession

“Captain.”

Kirk closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall he sat against. If he ignored Spock maybe the whole thing would go away. Maybe their captors would kill him after all and then it all wouldn’t matter.

They were both seated in the cell they’d been thrown in about twenty minutes earlier. They’d been questioned for hours. Not exactly tortured but knocked around a bit. Kirk had been injected with some sort of truth serum. Thus why he was desperately hoping Spock would just be quiet.

“Jim?”

 _Fuck_.

“What is it, Commander?” He deliberately used Spock’s title, hoping to put him off a personal conversation.

“Are you in pain?”

He repressed a sigh. “Not exactly.”

“Clarify.”

“Just a little achy, Spock. It’s fine.”

Mercifully the cell lapsed into silence. He knew that Scotty would be working on their rescue. The sooner the better. Maybe they could forget what he’d said while under the influence of—

“Captain.”

“Commander?”

“I wish to discuss what was said in the interrogation.”

Kirk clenched his jaw. “I have nothing to say, Spock.”

“Will you explain?”

“You gotta be kidding me.”

Silence. And then, “I am not. I would like to understand.”

“Oh. My. God. Seriously? What is there exactly to understand?”

“You have feelings for me.”

“I know that. I know what I said, Spock.”

“That you are in love with me.”

“Fuck. I don’t want to do this.”

“You have never said anything.”

Kirk sighed. “I never would have either except for the truth serum. Just forget it.”

“I cannot.”

“That’s an order, Mr. Spock.”

Silence again. “I do not think that is an appropriate order.”

“Too bad because I’m not fucking talking about this.”

“May I ask why you will not?”

“That’s talking about it.”

“How long?” Spock persisted. “How long have you known?”

“Who knows? A long time. Maybe when I knew I was dying. Maybe when you stopped me in the hallway to tell me I was an idiot for going off with Khan. Maybe when you betrayed me and got me demoted. Maybe when I thought you would die in the Volcano and all I could think of was that you had a significant other who would mourn you and it wasn’t me. Maybe when you first offered to be my first officer. Maybe when I watched Uhura kiss you on the transporter.  Maybe when you came back after I compromised you and you wanted to take on Nero. Maybe when you couldn’t wait to refute every fucking thing I said when I tried to convince Pike we were going into a trap. Maybe when you couldn’t resist bringing up my dad as you tried to get me kicked out of the academy. Does it really matter, Spock?”

“And you really had no intention of ever telling me?”

Kirk shook his head, kept his eyes closed. “Never.”

More silence and Kirk exhaled slowly. Finally Spock was going to drop it. Sure, he could never look his first officer in the face again. He didn’t know how he was going to deal with that. He would though, because he was James T. Kirk and he could deal with anything.  _Anything_.

“Why?”

Kirk frowned. “Why what?”

“Why would you not?”

“I don’t know, Spock. Maybe because you’re fucking Uhura? Could that be it? This conversation is done, Commander. Finished. It better not be brought up again. We’re both going to pretend it never ever happened and we’re going to go on as we always did. Got it?”

“As you wish, Captain.”

****

“Captain, can I have a word with you?” Uhura asked him as he was about to enter the turbolift.

Kirk eyed her dispassionately. “I have some important reports to get to, Lieutenant. If it’s something Mr. Spock can handle—”

“That’s what I want to talk to you about. Please?” Her gaze was sharp and no-nonsense.

“All right.” He gestured to the turbolift. They both got in. “Is there a problem?”

“That’s what I wanted to ask.”

“Excuse me?”

“Ever since you two came back from Astra 3 things have been different between you. You haven’t been playing chess with him.”

“Did Spock send you to talk to me?”

Uhura looked surprised. “No.”

Kirk nodded. “I didn’t think so. And I’m pretty sure he’d be fucking pissed if he knew about it. What’s between me and Spock, not that there is anything, is between us.”

“I knew you’d say that,” Uhura said. “But he’s hurt that you are avoiding him.”

“I’m not avoiding him, Lieutenant. I’m busy with duties. Which is maybe something you should consider getting to as well.”

Uhura straightened and narrowed her eyes. “Yes, Captain.”

The turbolift doors opened and Kirk walked out leaving her behind. So yeah maybe he was a little harsh but damn it. Why did he have to have Spock’s girlfriend pestering him about Spock?

He went to his quarters and pulled up his reports. He had, of course, been avoiding Spock. How could he not? Spock knew Kirk was in love with him. How fucking embarrassing and torturous was that?

In fact, he didn’t know how much longer he could take this. He’d been able to handle it when Spock didn’t know. Sure it fucking hurt like hell each time Spock was with Uhura, but Kirk had been good at faking shit for years.

There was a beep at his door. Kirk kind of knew it would be Spock but he opened the door anyway.

“Captain,” Spock said, his hands clenched behind his back as he entered Kirk’s quarters.

“What can I do for you, Mr. Spock?”

“Are you available for chess this evening?”

Kirk shook his head. “No time. I have tons of reports.”

“I offer my assistance with them.”

“I don’t need any, really.”

Silence. It stretched on. Finally Spock expelled a breath.

“Our relationship has been affected detrimentally.”

Kirk laughed. “We don’t have a relationship.”

“Friendship then,” Spock said. “You have changed your behavior toward me due to the exclamation of your deeper regard for me.”

“No.”

“You cannot deny it.”

“I am denying it,” Kirk said stubbornly.

“No matter how many times you deny it, the truth is you have changed toward me,” Spock said quietly. “It has never been my intention to cause you pain, Jim.”

“I know.”

“You are distressed.”

“I am not—”

“You are. And it is because you are uncomfortable with your regard for me.”

“Spock, you know what I am uncomfortable with? This conversation. So if you don’t mind—”

“I wish for you to know that you are important to me. Though we might not be involved in a romantic relationship, I also hold you in deep regard as my commanding officer and friend.”

Kirk closed his eyes briefly. “God, you’re just making it worse.”

“I…apologize. I am distressing you.”

“Look, I told you before, I want to forget what happened on Astra 3. Pretend it never happened.”

“I cannot. Vulcans have exceptional memories and it would be illogical—”

“Spock, stop. You  _are_  hurting me. I know it is not intentional. I know it’s my problem, not yours. Every day my heart gets shredded a little bit more. But you weren’t supposed to know about it. Ever. And now that you do, I don’t know what to do about that.”

Spock did not reply for so long, Kirk wondered if he’d rendered his first officer mute. Then he shifted once, twice, three times.

“Captain, I apologize.”

“Okay.”

“I had not thought about how unhappy this was making you.”

Kirk waved his hand. “It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

“It is not fine.” Spock hesitated, looking at the wall over Kirk’s head. “Perhaps it would be best if Nyota and I were transferred to another ship.”

For a moment Kirk was sure he had stopped breathing. His chest was tight, his breathing shallow.  But he quelled it. He pushed aside the pain, the panic. As he always did. Instead, he forced himself to nod.

“Very well, Mr. Spock. Send the requests to my PADD and I’ll approve them.”

Another hesitation. “Yes, Captain.”

And then Spock turned and left his quarters and all Kirk could do was stare after him with his heart broken.

****

In his short career, Kirk had received a number of commendations. Battles, original thinking, saving the Earth. He decided as he sat in his quarters staring at the half empty bottle on his desk that he should get one for not falling apart over Spock leaving the Enterprise.

The going away party the rest of the bridge crew had decided to throw for Spock and Uhura was still going on. Kirk had even put on his best captain’s face and attended the beginning of the party. He’d managed it without throwing up. Bones had been watching him carefully the entire time.

_“You okay, Jim?”_

_“I’m fine, Bones.”_

_“The hell you are.”_

_“I’m fine. Drop it.”_

Pretty much how every conversation he’d had with Bones ever since he approved the transfers of Spock and Uhura.

And now he was left trying to find a new Science Office, First Officer, and Communications Officer. And why? Because he couldn’t get his shit together. Or keep his stupid mouth shut. Sure it had been a truth serum but did he  _have_  to confess his love for Spock?

Speaking of Bones, he was expecting the good doctor to show up at his door any time. For the last two weeks, Bones had spent every night with Kirk. And he’d been grateful because it meant avoiding Spock. Not that he believed Spock had tried to see him again. As far as Kirk knew, Spock had stayed away.

Soon he’d never see either of them again. So much for the epic friendship between him and Spock.

Kirk poured himself more whiskey. A gift from Bones for his last birthday. He hadn’t even broken the seal until tonight after he’d left the party. He’d drunk too much already. He was on the edge of feeling queasy. Definitely wasted and maudlin.

When the chime on his door sounded, he’d been expecting it. He grabbed another glass and filled it. “Come in, Bones.”

But when he looked up to see his visitor, it was Spock, not Bones.

“Oh, hello, Commander. Come to make one last report?” Voice steady even.

“No, Captain.”

“No? Well, um, I’m expecting Bones, so whatever it is—”

“Dr. McCoy will not be coming to your quarters tonight.”

“Excuse me?”

Spock nodded. “Your attempt to avoid me has failed for tonight. Dr. McCoy is otherwise occupied.”

“Otherwise occupied? What did you do to Bones?”

Spock arched a brow. “Dr. McCoy is unharmed. He simply will not be interrupting us.”

Kirk sighed. “Fine. What is it, Commander?”

Spock stared at him for so long Kirk began to feel uncomfortable.

“Okay, what?”

“You are a fool.”

Kirk blinked. “What?”

“You are so uncomfortable with your regard for me that you are willing to see me off the Enterprise.”

“I am not uncomfortable with my feelings,” Kirk protested.

“You are lying,” Spock said coolly. “You said yourself you never intended to advise me.”

Kirk rolled his eyes. “Because you didn’t need to know about them. You are with Uhura.”

“I would like to be the judge of whether I needed to know.” Spock‘s voice was quiet, subdued. “You have many outstanding qualities, Jim. And some failings. But I had not believed cowardice was one of them.”

“Are you kidding me?” Kirk asked, angry now. “What would you have thought of me if I had said, hey, Spock, I know you have a girlfriend, but I really love you? No one wants to hear that. And I don’t believe you did either.”

“Perhaps. But you have refused to even discuss what was said on Astra 3 since we were rescued.”

“Because nothing has changed!”

“Everything has changed.”

Kirk stared at Spock. He was totally getting a headache and the whiskey was souring in his stomach. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “How?”

“I do not wish to leave.”

He shook his head. “You requested the transfer.”

“I had not anticipated your ready acceptance.”

“Spock, I’ve been drinking here and I’ve had a really bad couple of weeks, so maybe I am being really slow. What exactly are you trying to say?”

Spock came around Kirk’s desk and knelt in front of Kirk. “I share your regard.”

Kirk stared at him, his eyes widening. “ _What_?”

“I have had deeper feelings for you for months that I have held back believing you would never feel anything but friendship for me.”

“You—but Uhura—”

“Nyota and I have ended our relationship.”

“What? When?”

“After Astra 3.”

Kirk’s heart thundered in his chest and he wondered if in his drunken state he had conjured up Spock to his quarters to say exactly what he wanted him to say.

Spock’s hand was suddenly on Kirk’s face, framing his jaw. Spock’s fingers felt cool on his skin. “I have tried to be patient with you. Tried to allow you time to come to terms with this.”

“This?”

“You confessed your feelings, but you were not pleased with them. Can you deny that you are unhappy you love me?”

Kirk thought about that. Slowly he shook his head. “I don’t want to love anyone. Then you start to rely on that. Rely on them. And then they leave and you’re left alone again. I’m left alone. It’s easier not to love.”

“And you would rather have me gone so you do not have to face that I might leave you some day,” Spock said quietly.

He clenched his eyes shut, feeling his chest constrict. “Yes.”

“I will not.”

“But you are.”

Spock rubbed his thumb across Kirk’s bottom lip. “I have withdrawn my transfer request. I will not leave. Not now. Not a year from now. Not ten years from now. I will always be by your side, where I belong.”

“But Uhura—”

“Nyota is special to me and always will be,” Spock said. “But our romantic relationship has been failing for months. I did not see the logic in ending it until neither of us found it fulfilling. I regret hurting Nyota in any way, but she admitted she suspected my regard for you went beyond friendship.”

“What if I had never wanted to admit I loved you?”

Spock’s dark eyes were sorrowful. “You did not.”

“I mean,” Kirk said with a little hitch in his breath. “Would you stay here with me even if I only wanted friendship? Now, I mean. If I said, despite my feelings, friendship is all I can offer you. Would you still stay?”

Spock stared at him in silence for a very long time. Kirk waited, afraid of what he’d say, afraid to hope.

“You are testing me,” Spock said finally. “Whatever test you throw my way, I will pass.”

“Will you?”

“I will stay, Jim. No matter our relationship. Even if you want nothing from me. Not even a friendship, I will stay.”

Kirk licked his dry lips. “And yet you requested the transfer.”

“I wished to make you see that you could not let me leave. I had hypothesized you would stop me. I underestimated your resolve to punish yourself.”

His breath caught. “Punish myself?”

Spock nodded. “You do not believe that you deserve to be happy. To be loved.”

“I—you’re right.”

Spock’s hand moved up to Kirk’s forehead, smoothing the lines there. “I will not turn away from you. No matter how much you try to push me away.”

“Spock—”

And then Spock leaned forward and covered Kirk’s lips with his. Kirk closed his eyes and moaned. This…despite what he said…this is what he wanted. Needed. Hoped for.

“Jim,” Spock whispered against his lips. “Do not deprive us of the life we are meant to have…together.”

He let out a shaky breath that sort of sounded more like a whimper and he flung himself at Spock, knocking Spock to the floor with Kirk on top of him. He showered Spock’s face in kisses. Spock grabbed his face in his hands and kissed Kirk long and deep.

“I do love you, Spock,” Jim said when they came up for air.

“Does this mean you want more than just a friendship?”

Kirk swallowed. “Yeah, yeah I do.”

“Good, because that is what I want also.”

“You really wanted me to stop your transfer?”

Spock leaned his forehead against Jim’s. “Yes, Ashayam.”

“What is that?”

“Beloved.”

“Yeah?”

Spock nodded.

“And what about Uhura?”

“She wishes to keep her transfer in effect.”

Kirk let out a shaky breath. “She doesn’t want to serve on the Enterprise?”

“She is afraid it will be awkward for the three of us.”

“Would it be?”

“I do not know. She will always be my friend. But you are the one I love.”

Kirk kissed him. “Could I change her mind, do you think?”

“You could try.”

“Should I?”

Spock stared into his eyes. “As you wish, Jim. I only want what makes you happy.”

“I’ll talk to her,” Kirk said, wrapping his arms tight around Spock. “Later.”

“It might be more comfortable for us to move to your bed,” Spock said eventually.

“Yeah, yeah, no doubt. I like having you here. In my arms. I’m afraid if I let you go you won’t be here when I wake up.”

Spock’s gaze was gentle. “You are not dreaming, Jim. I do love you and will be with you always.” 


End file.
